my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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