There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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