He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
