I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
