nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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