is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
