I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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