My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
