My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
we're so committed to being not committed
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
