Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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