Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
