He asked to "fluff my boner.."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
