her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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