i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
