nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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