you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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