when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
