Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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