things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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