never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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