i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
