my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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