Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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