his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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