Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
