Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
