He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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