Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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