i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
