I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
