I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
