I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
