She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
