once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
