I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
please don't ironically join a cult
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