I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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