He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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