2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
