I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
