I just threw up on my dentist
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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