After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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