my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My ATM looks so different sober.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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