im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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