that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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