I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize