I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
