Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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