I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
