I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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