So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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