The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
